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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29977263">Fruit of Harperian Stupidity</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lili93Rosen/pseuds/Lili93Rosen'>Lili93Rosen</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Torchwood</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Gen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 16:54:00</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,074</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29977263</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lili93Rosen/pseuds/Lili93Rosen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Owen Harper and his "unique" attitude, to put it mildly, earned him an unexpected "gift".</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Fruit of Harperian Stupidity</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">


        <li>
            A translation of

            <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29717064">Fruto da Estupidez Harperiana</a> by <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lili93Rosen/pseuds/Lili93Rosen">Lili93Rosen</a>.
        </li>

    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Disclaimer: The Torchwood characters are owned by Russell T Davies and the BBC Wales.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Fruit of Harperian Stupidity</strong>
</p><p>Owen was well known for his stupid and silly actions, so it was not at all unusual for him to ignore the warnings that the other members of Torchwood systematically gave him. Therefore, when Toshiko analyzed a strange and mysterious artifact of unknown origin, but obviously alien, nobody was surprised when he took the figurine without resorting to the use of protective gloves.</p><p>— How many times have I told you to be careful, Owen? We don't know the effects that the artifact can have on human beings, so you shouldn't touch it with your bare hands — scolded the japanese woman, her sentence being dismissed by Owen-I-Am-Better-Than-You-And-You-Know-It-Harper.</p><p>— Why so many sissies? Nothing happened, see!?</p><p>The doctor began to examine the statuette that represented a creature, presumably female, judging by the large breasts, whose upper body was similar to that of a human woman, but with scaly skin and where a pair of legs should have been, was a long tail that curled over itself, forming the base that supported the weight of the sculpture.</p><p>— This "thing" is very strange, not to mention that it’s ugly ... Nothing special! I don't see why you care so much ...</p><p>The team left the Hub, unaware of the orange glow that the originally yellowed figurine began to radiate.</p><p>— You will pay for your disrespect, monkey! — A cavernous female voice resonated in the premises, evicted from any signs of life.</p><p>oOo</p><p>In the following morning, all the team members had presented themselves in time for the start of another working day. Everyone but the doctor, of course. Owen Harper's colleagues questioned the reason behind his unusual delay.</p><p>— Owen is never late. He’s punctual like clockwork!</p><p>— Gwen is right, Jack — Ianto agreed, being followed by Toshiko.</p><p>— What if something serious happened to him?</p><p>Toshiko tried to call Owen's cell phone, but it was off and his home phone gave a busy signal. Fearing that the situation would be more serious than they expected, the team went to the doctor's apartment during the lunch hour.</p><p>oOo</p><p>— Leave the food at the door! I already paid by ATM — Owen said from the other side of the door.</p><p>— It's us, Owen! — said Gwen — Is everything okay?</p><p>— Yea! Everything is ok… Go ahead. Tomorrow or after, I’ll return to work, right now I have a… a matter at hand. When it's resolved I'll be back.</p><p>— Weird! — murmured the japanese woman, just for her colleagues to hear, so that Owen wouldn't be able to hear her.</p><p>Jack, suspicious of the unusual circumstances, took his gun and signaled that they were going to force the entrance, as Owen could be in danger. Captain Harkness's subordinates reached for their own weapons and placed themselves on each side of the door. The immortal stamped his foot on the door, knocked it over and moved on, without waiting for reinforcements.</p><p>— But what…? — The unfinished question and the sound of something breaking was the trigger for the remaining members to enter, carrying their weapons ready to attack, if necessary, to defend the valuable members of that strange and non-functional team.</p><p>— That ... Is that what I think it is? — Gwen's question remained unanswered.</p><p>— Haaaaa!… — Owen shouted, feeling a sudden pain in his belly.</p><p>— What do we do? What do we do? — No one would ever have imagined that one day they would see the great Jack Harkness in complete panic. — A basin! Yes, a basin of hot water ... Gwen, get one! ... More ... More ... What do we need? — The immortal looked like a dizzy cockroach. — Ianto, towels! — he ordered, while helping the doctor to get to the room and lie down on the bed. — Toshiko, I need your help!</p><p>— My help? For what?</p><p>— You're a woman! — he sentenced as if it were obvious — You must know what to do on an occasion like this ...</p><p>— One thing has nothing to do with the other! — exclaimed the indignant asian woman.</p><p>— Haaaaaa! Stop your nonsense and do something! — Owen shouted totally out of his mind — This thing wants to kill me ... Haaa!</p><p>— Right! Hmm… We have to undress him!</p><p>— U-Und-Undr-dress hi-him?! — Toshiko's face went through an exorbitant diversity of tones, from the palest pink hue to an extremely vivid scarlet red.</p><p>— How else can we do this? — asked the Captain.</p><p>— Ok!</p><p>Between the two of them, they proceeded to undress the man. The japanese woman, too ashamed to observe the anatomy of her crush, systematically averted her eyes, resulting in an obstacle to the execution of the task, since she obstructed more than assisted her superior in his self-imposed mission.</p><p>— Ready! And now?</p><p>— How do I know !? — Jack replied.</p><p>— You were the one who said to undress him ... And now?</p><p>— Enough! Bring me someone competent! — Owen shouted with tears streaming down his crimson face, for the effort of not screaming for the excruciating pain that choked him — I don’t believe that I’ll say this, but ... Bring me Martha Jones!</p><p>oOo</p><p>After hours of doubt, the team finally watched Martha leave the room with a bundle in her arms.</p><p>— It's a boy or a girl ... I don't really know! I have to do some tests, but it’s in perfect health. Owen is resting. I had to sedate him for the C-section and he still hasn't woken up. What on second thought… — The woman looked down at the small, sleeping baby. — is perhaps the best. We must prepare him for the news ...</p><p>oOo</p><p>Owen woke up, receiving embarrassed smiles from the members of Torchwood.</p><p>— What is it?</p><p>— It's a… um… You still don't know the genre? — Gwen asked with a tremulous smile on her face, looking at Dr. Jones, who was doing some tests on the infant.</p><p>— I finished! She's a beautiful and healthy girl. Considering the circumstances of pregnancy and childbirth ... It’s a perfect specimen of the species ...</p><p>— Species? — Owen asked suspiciously — I want to see her! What are you hiding from me?</p><p>Daddy's colleagues moved away, making room for Martha, who approached him with a small figure, uncovering the little head ...</p><p>— He passed out! — exclaimed Jack.</p><p>— It was to be expected ... Don’t you remember what he said about the artifact? Imagine seeing a baby live and in color! — exclaimed Ianto.</p><p>— Oh! But she's such a cute little thing! — exclaimed the women, admiring the little head covered with small, shiny yellow scales with golden highlights.</p><p>oOo</p><p>At the Hub, the cavernous voice made an act of presence once again.</p><p>— Welcome, my daughter! Princess Ethelinda ...</p>
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